That Hopeless Feeling

that hopeless feeling
like when football is playing on tv
in the middle of the day
and sunshine filters through the windows at
just the right angle
making me regret being inside
making me rethink my life
what am I doing in here?
where am I on my path?
why is the country music playing in this cafe
so irritating?
why does it make me feel like I
made bad choices?
like I should focus harder
like why can’t I stay at home all day
and feel okay anyway?
feel the inane boredom and doldrums
that never stop beating
when I stop moving long enough
to feel them
when I’m not distracted by a purpose
momentary or larger
when I stop moving long enough
to let the dizziness overcome me
circling
circling
downwards
until I fall
back into a pile of leaves
back into my past
back into the days when there was
no such thing as
wasting time
as being unproductive
as giving a flying fuck about
what I should be doing
what if I could tune out
how things should sound?
how things should feel
what if I could feel my feet in my shoes
and my shoes on the ground
and my legs holding me up
and my spine making me taller
giving my mind something to connect to
something to boss around
something to tell what to do
what if I let it just be that thing on the
top of my head,
what if I just let it be
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