Finding forgiveness

the resentments are gathering

like rust

corroding all that is

good and fine

and I want to find

forgiveness

this almighty forgiveness

that always seems so elusive

 

is it deep down inside me?

something I simply must dig long enough to find

unearthing layers of injustice and debris

before finally striking gold

 

or is it only attainable after

countless anonymous moments

wear the other feelings down

until they run

thin

and dry

years of diffuse anger —

the kind that

tinges all the sweet moments gray

around the edges —

stops trying to

find a home

bending down on both knees

instead

letting the forgiveness

wash over like rain

 

or maybe it lives on the wind

like dandelion seeds

blown away with a wish

scattering new life on those

lucky to lie patiently under its

way,

swaying in wait for the right

breeze to

start anew

 

— but how can forgiveness come

when the urge to hold on

to past events and happenings is

always there

threatening like a knife to the throat

rising up when you swore to

keep it down?

 

— how can it come when the feelings weigh heavy

and expressing them does more harm

than good?

when you lost count of how many times

one can have the same

conversation with

no different

outcome

 

how does the forgiveness come

when the heart is encased

in its candied shell

content and sealed off

from its own beating?

 

it looks pretty

from the outside

but you know

the sugar

is turning the inside to

ash

 

let’s just imagine

it does come

 

just like our faint imaginings

that spring

will eventually arrive

its inexplicable heat

coming in fits of

starts and stops

melting and thawing

in its own

time

 

let’s imagine that it will come

 

like an infinitesimal crack

a proverbial weed poking away

at the proverbial concrete

propelled by its own genetic volition

chipping at defenses unknown

with no imagining

that the impenetrable is

in fact

penetrable

simply moving

on the blind assumption

that it can find light

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